Wednesday, 05 November 2008

• Journey ending?

  I have come to realize that I have tendency to make allowances for certain things that I know are not right when my fiance is around.  I have asked my self do I just look away. When we first met I knew what I was getting my self into.  This man was already committed to god in a way that I should not have intervened.  I want go into details but he was "taken" and I should have respected that. But I saw a handsome  man whom I wanted to get to know.  We are so alike in ways ...but yet so different. As my love grew for him over the next couple of months I forgot that..... I was saved and he was not.  But he did have a special relationship with God, he was working to better himself.  He tried to help me to continue to be the person whom I was when we met. But I was afraid to lose him. I know that I loved him the very moment we were alone and he first told me that he did not want to interfere with my spiritual journey with God.  Did I ever tell him I loved him?  ...Yes I think that was the moment he closed the portal of hope that i had for a life...with him.  I knew he need to know that someone Loved him just because of who he was.  So I did tell him often ,that I loved him as my brother in christ.  He  felt  good about what I said and I knew he was moved by it. no one he told me had ever showed him that type of love before. I won't go into details... but he was touch with all the spiritual gifts god gave me to share with him through every devotional and  through every word of prayer that I said for him.  I know that he is grateful.  I do not need him to say thank you or even acknowledge that fact that I did it, because even though I did it for him, I did it more for God.  He led my heart to share all of his words, things that I knew made a difference. Still to this day I pray for him. regardless of what happens between us there is still a soul that that hungers for the Lord. 

  So I am not going to blame my fall from grace completely on him... in fact I can only blame self.  I know that we all tend to fall for someone based on appearances at first.  I can not say that it was his heart or his values in god that I fell for .....because we both know that is not the real reason.  I have realized that I love this man more than anything.... but not more than I need and want god in my life.  That is what has brought me to this blog and to this point in my life.  I think most of the things I did were to make him like me more.  Would he have left me for someone else?  I do not know, but I did not want it to even be a question in my thoughts.  I love myself and my body.  I am proud of who I am and whom I am yet to be. There were so many things that I had given up, that I chose to go back to.  Did they make me happy.  No. Did they impress him or change his outlook on lour relationship?  I don't really know, but from what I know of him I will say no.  I have just been going in circles when it comes to deciding what to do about he desires of my heart and the cries of my soul..  I am deeply moved by his feelings of love for me, but I know that this man will never allow me to be his wife.  I know that I can no longer believe in the fairy tale wedding that I wished for.    It is time for me to pack away such dreams and face realty.  I know he loves me but actions are far better than words.  I just want once to feel like his queen..... to feel like he wants me in his life as much as I want to be. Sometimes those who we wish to be with we just can't no matter what.  No matter how good things are going with us right now, it will not lead up to marriage. It saddens me to think that I will never hear I love you from him with out coaxing. Am I wrong to want him to feel something ? No, but I do know that I can not change him as he as so often said.  Lately my priorities have not been in order but I think I have finally got it together.  I think I finally see his point on a lot of things.  He fell in love (i think)with a woman who had it together and at least had a plan for life, my outlook was good, but I got lost in wanting intangible things.  I was afraid to let go and let GOD.  Afraid to let GOD led my heart, afraid to let GOD control my relationship with "P", afraid of letting GOD  love me and loving him in return.  I know that I should give "P" his way out.  He has wanted it so long but it has yet to come.  He has tried so often to leave the situation but I just kept pulling him back in. "P" I am so sorry!!!  I thought that I needed to him to save me, but what I really needed to do was to remind him of his christian faith and step back and allow god to save us both.  I am not afraid anymore.  I thought that losing "P" meant losing me but I have the assurance that I will be comforted.  I know that "P"  has chosen to be a spectator in my life... looking in form the outside.  He is not apart of my race, my fight or my journey.  But this is ok because maybe he will see all the good things that will become of my life...and maybe just maybe he will remember the wonderful times we shared together the times that I would give the world to have back, Maybe just maybe he will....But until then.....  I would have  it no other way than to have the man I love at the side lines.... in my corner cheering me on. Again I  ask is he my  reason, season  or life time?.  Who determines which we will be in a persons life?  Who determines what they will be in YOUR life.  If I had my choice I would choose to have him as my LIFETIME love, my LIFETIME friend.  But I think that he has chosen to have me as the REASON for his Season friend.  I know that probably make absolute no sense but I think I would fall into both categories for him.  When he looks back on our time together I want him to be able to say that she taught me a lot of things that has helped me to grow as a person.  I would not have make it through my  losing my baby without his tough love.  I thank him for every moment, all the tears he allowed me to cry and the ones that he didn't.  Thank you"P" that we were strong when we were together.  I am no longer afraid to be alone in my search for my next love.  You have given me the tools to toughen up. 

  My heart is breaking and my "soul hurts".  It is kinda like when you go through a breakup but this healing only comes from GOD.  I really feel as though god has a plan for my fiance. Yeah, I know I say it so much, in a lot of my blogs.  But when you see the good in a person that they themselves can't see.. you know there is something special there.  You know there is something that makes them beautiful both inside and out. I believe it in my heart and it may not be now.... but know it will be soon.  He will be much stronger to walk away from wordly things.  This is the only thinking holding him back.  It is not that hard he just needs to believe in himself.  And when all of his faith has diminished he has all of mine that he can depend on.  I will always be his greatest cheerleader in his corner... hoping for the best.  Through the hard times I will also be there to listen to his cries and feel his pain. When ever he needs me I am sure that he knows that I am there.  Because he has been there for me so many times before.  I only wish that whom ever gets to be blessed to met  him... and be in his life experience the same joy that I have had with him. Hopefully she will treasure the kisses.... although they may few... they were there.  I hope she will see the kindness in his touch, treasure them.  I hope that she will see the smile that I saw only frequently but when I did , I hope it too will brighten up her day. But most of all if she gets to hear the words I love you(if only once) that she will treasure what ever they did together that brought her to that moment.  Meeting him was truly a blessing from god.  God only blesses me with good people in my life.  No matter what outcomes happens I can look back on all of my 35 years of life and see the blessing he has brought me.  Throughout all the men that I have met  in my life, they came with a blessing.. Maybe one day I will see all the wonderful things that I knew will become of him.  I am still going with the idea that he has a calling in a ministry but who am I to say. We need  males in the ministry who are not afraid of their showing their love for god.

  I know this seems as if I have given up on my Fiance...I have not....He has given up on me. There is no failure in defeat, I just rather step away graciously. There is no winner...the only competition that remains is the one against the enemy for our soul. I can only hope that he understands my reasoning behind this.  I am proud to say that everything I did I did out of love.  God knows that  I never meant to hurt him in the process.  

  • 1:59 PM
  • 47 Views
  • 2 eProps
  • 1 Comment