Just wondering...My fiance and I were speaking on my birthday last week and i mention to him that he did not say happy birthday.  He said I know that it is your birthday, I said yeah but you did not tell me happy birthday, He then said again yeah I know it is your birthday isn't that good enough.  Now for most people it would have been an  argument and yeah if it was the old me I would have moaned and wined and moaned some more until either I got my way or we got into an argument.  I wrote in one of my earlier blogs, that I usually make unusual exceptions for him, why I ask myself?  I was thinking what could make me happy? what present could he give to me that could change everything between us? I finally came up with an answer.  It is one of two things that I think is holding him back from asking me to marry him.  Yeah I know I call him my fiance, why you may ask yourself?  Well he never really officially said the words will you marry me, No I am lying ...well he did but that was earlier in our relationship.  I do not think that he was ready for such a commitment when he asked but I was.  I do not think that he realized the impact on my life that he caused by just saying that to me.  I never feel as though I will ever get to the actual process of the wedding.  I have came so close before and I have been in relationships that have lasted for years but I never really thought about it.

 Does anyone ever really think about it, I guess it depends on the importance that marriage plays in his life. Marriage means the world to me. Honestly, I love him like I have said so many times before, but will he ever marry me...I am going to leave that question open.  I do know that I will not have a relationship like I have been in before over 10 years and no marriage.  I deserve better than that.... I deserve more than that.  I have a lot of plans to talk with him about a lot of things as the new year comes in, but he often turns away all conversations that he is not ready to answer.  I expect more of him now.  He is approaching 41.  He is more mature than most of the men I have dated.  He is very educated and I often learn a lot from him. He opens up to me when he feels that it is important.  I am that shoulder to cry on only when he feels that he really needs to then he acts as if nothing ever happened to keep up that appearance that he is a  man and do not need no one to vent to. I often feel that I get the bad end of the stick.  You know how when you come along after a bad relationship that your man has had with previous girls... he now feels that you have to suffer and all that he would have done for you ......yeah right you can cancel that out.  I am not saying that women do not do it too, but with me it is different. I give him a chance because I feel he deserves it.  Saying happy birthday to someone is not that difficult.  I would in no way stop doing this.  I mean if a guy is a bad kisser would I stop kissing all together and not do it if my fiance asked me to.  No Of course not that would be silly.  How do I know that he use to do these things before me, because he told me.  For example, He would not allow me to  move in with him but he has live with the women he has dated before.  Some things do not bother me but somethings do.  Am I wrong? No of course not. I know I have entered into this relationship with my eyes wide open and my heart exposed and waiting to be broken.  Why is this bothering me all of the sudden if I say that things are going well? Well he told me that he is making changes in his life, well I just want him to make some changes that I know will effect me in the right way.  I hope that he will keep his word and return home, well to me by new years eve.  He has mentioned that he wants to come home but does he really mean it.  I hate having doubts when it comes to him.  It seems as though I have more doubts now that things are going well then when we were having problems.  I still have faith in him that he will do what is right when it comes to us. At lease I hope so.  I hope that he feels the same. He will start to see the new me in a couple of days, I have a lot in store for me.  He will probably not like it but oh well, like he has always told me I need to do me.  That is how everyone should be.  Do what makes you complete, Do what makes you feel that you are achieving what ever goals you have set out for yourself.  Hopefully he will be behind me in the changes that I have made.  I hope that I am also accepting to the changes that he has made also.  On top of everything Love is still love and of all the things that I am changing in my life Love for him is not one of them. I only hope he can say the same for me.