secqura's Datingish

a church home?

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 22:55:48 GMT

Since I moved back her I have been looking for a church. although I know nothing could compare to the love I felt in NC I have to find somewhere I can worship and be happy to be with others who want the same as me. The churches here are so big that I am not sure if there could ever be a family for me. Although my church was over 700 people we knew each other in my church and the paster still sits in the front of the church where the alter is still sacared place and there are still prayer calls at the alter. there was a belonging that I felt that I have not felt at my new church. the church I am attending now does not sit on the alter nor does he actually preach. he uses more of a teaching method to get his point across. Let me say that I have nothing against the churches her but they are just not for a southern girl like me. I do like the pastor of the church I attend now but I long for the choirs that were bless to sing the old spirituals and the keeping with the washing of the saints feet a practice that my church here in the city does not do. so yes I long for that church home that I can actually call Home. Will I ever be happy. I know I will because as long as I hear the word of god I know that that is all I need to fill that longing for a church home. As I ask god to fill my heart with love and understanding of this new age the teachings of the pastors I know that I will not be lead astray.

reevaluate

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 22:39:31 GMT

How many times can you reevaluate your relationship. I seem to do this often but I am not sure if I really want it to change. Or at least that is how it feels sometimes. I am fighting this losing battle with myself. I know what should change , I want it to change, I try to change it but then I give in and decide I will do it the next time for real. I am sure I probably could do better when it comes to my relationship but I just do not know sometimes with me. I don't want to be a hypocrite that is why I am not on this site to give anyone advice because I feel if I am telling you to let go of the person you love than I should be able to take my own advice and do the same. sounds easy doesn't it yeah, but it is very hard. All I can do is try . I will to make the changes necessary in my relationship to better myself and the one I love.

Over a rough point in my life

Wed, 25 Mar 2009 19:54:53 GMT

I guess a lot has happened since my last post and well... like my title says ...I have just gotten over a rough point in my life. Things are better and yes for those of you wondering about my God Prayer.... he has shown me things and there were answers given to me... that I did not know about but they were there all the time. The fiance and I ...well things are no different and nothing has changed. I told him todayand yesterday that it was going to be over between us if he did not take me out and do things with me , basically if he did not do what I want him to do than I was going to throw a fit. That is how I would put it in simple terms. His response was ..ok, say you promise. my respone.... I promise. Will I stick with it? No of course not... but maybe that put a little thought in his head that will keep him on his toes, for the next time I say somthing like that. Maybe he will start to wonder Is she really trying to tell me something or is she just joking around. well I guess I can tell you... there was some truth to what I said.... because I said it at a moment when I felt like he really was not being sensitive to my feelings. I think we all... when we feel that loneliness creep in (when your spouse is far away) tend to to reevaluate how you are feeling at that moment. Nothing else matters. Not how may things you guys have shared ...not how they made you feel in the past, the only thing that matters is that moment...now. My moment ...I felt that I wanted to break up with him..I wanted him to be out of my life..I dwelled on all the wrong he has ever did and just wanted to be.. ..free of him. Of course this only lasted until the next time that I spoke to him. Then it was like that day never happened but to me but it did. I opened my mouth to tell him about it and nothing came out. He would probably take it the wrong way and we would break up for real. I wonder why does this happen? I experience it more when he lets days go by on end and we have not spoken to one another. These are the endless days as i call it. You know where he sits around the house either watching tv(sports sunday) or just lounging and he refuses to call just to say...hi or anything...It burns me up. Yeah that is when I experience it the most. I know I should probably say something and eventually I will It is just right now I do not want to put more of a strain on our relationship than there already is. Love makes your heart weak and everything that I thought I had the strenght to do when it comes to him I am just figuring out that I don't...

Saturday, February 28, 2009

Sat, 28 Feb 2009 06:14:47 GMT

Dear God

I try to remember that you have given me so many chances to do the right thing but it is so hard to make this one change in my life especially when another person is involved in the process. That is no excuses I know no one is able to take my place on judgement, so I should only worry about what I know is right and if it involves another than they need to be taken out of the equation. Dear God how do you continue loving someone who has made the necessary steps to bring their self closer to you. This is a hinderance to my salvation. I have always felt that there would be more friendships and more relationships I will have to give up, but god I have tried to save a few of them, but I have realized that there are but so many that are wanting to be saved. I do not claim that I know the answer, that is why I come to you in this simple prayer in the form of a letter. I am asking you to give me the strength to stand up to this person and tell them that I can no longer endure the pain of living knowing that they refuse to change. I do not want to be dragged down into the pits of hell because of my ignorance. I know what will happen if I do not end this now. Just give me the strength lord and show me the way.

Your loving child,

AMEN

It has been a while

Sat, 28 Feb 2009 06:02:49 GMT

It has been about two weeks since I last seen my BF. Everytime I see him it seems as if the distance has caused my heart to grow a little colder toward him. Well not colder..wrong choice of words... but I can feel the distance. I will just say that. I think the longer we are apart the more I prepare my heart for a breakup. I know that I have no plans on doing that and neither does he but you never know what road life will take. I hate to say that we are growing apart but it does feel that way. I have tried to tell him this on many occasions but It just never seems to come out right. His feelings have they changed? I do not know. I thought that it was just in my mind but it is not. I have to do a lot of soul searching to figure this one out. I know that I wrote in my xanga blog that some things are just to personal to write about and I think that this is one of those times. I have tried to explain but I guess no one would really understand without me giving full details, which I will never do. I love blogging but not to that extent. ..Like I said on xanga there are just some things that you have to keep to your self. There are just some things that are just .....my business.

Surprise visit

Mon, 19 Jan 2009 00:37:13 GMT

Ok so the Fiance showed up unexpectedly last sunday. I was so happy but yet so disappointed. He had just came from the hospital so I was feeling a little guilty. He had been sick all day before and I told him that he should go to the hospital. He finally took my advice on something, I guess that was good. I wanted to tell him all the things that I had been wanting to tell him for months now but I can never seem to find the right words to start the conversation with so I left it alone. So did we talk...well.... NO I did not want to causes him anymore stress and I knew that he did not feel well so, I just left him alone. Even though he was here he was watching the game and I was on the computer. I did not feel the closeness that we usually share and It felt different. I use to want to hold him and cuddle and just be up under him but I did not want to do that this time. I know that this means my feelings are changing for him, this is not at all what I wanted to happen. He spent the night and he was in such pain we just talked about nothing the majority of the night. and we took turns holding each other. I still enjoyed his company. The next morning he drove me to the train and took our son to school. I know we have to have that talk it is like a burden that I just want to let go of.

Too many allowances?

Mon, 29 Dec 2008 00:58:24 GMT

Just wondering...My fiance and I were speaking on my birthday last week and i mention to him that he did not say happy birthday. He said I know that it is your birthday, I said yeah but you did not tell me happy birthday, He then said again yeah I know it is your birthday isn't that good enough. Now for most people it would have been an argument and yeah if it was the old me I would have moaned and wined and moaned some more until either I got my way or we got into an argument. I wrote in one of my earlier blogs, that I usually make unusual exceptions for him, why I ask myself? I was thinking what could make me happy? what present could he give to me that could change everything between us? I finally came up with an answer. It is one of two things that I think is holding him back from asking me to marry him. Yeah I know I call him my fiance, why you may ask yourself? Well he never really officially said the words will you marry me, No I am lying ...well he did but that was earlier in our relationship. I do not think that he was ready for such a commitment when he asked but I was. I do not think that he realized the impact on my life that he caused by just saying that to me. I never feel as though I will ever get to the actual process of the wedding. I have came so close before and I have been in relationships that have lasted for years but I never really thought about it.

Does anyone ever really think about it, I guess it depends on the importance that marriage plays in his life. Marriage means the world to me. Honestly, I love him like I have said so many times before, but will he ever marry me...I am going to leave that question open. I do know that I will not have a relationship like I have been in before over 10 years and no marriage. I deserve better than that.... I deserve more than that. I have a lot of plans to talk with him about a lot of things as the new year comes in, but he often turns away all conversations that he is not ready to answer. I expect more of him now. He is approaching 41. He is more mature than most of the men I have dated. He is very educated and I often learn a lot from him. He opens up to me when he feels that it is important. I am that shoulder to cry on only when he feels that he really needs to then he acts as if nothing ever happened to keep up that appearance that he is a man and do not need no one to vent to. I often feel that I get the bad end of the stick. You know how when you come along after a bad relationship that your man has had with previous girls... he now feels that you have to suffer and all that he would have done for you ......yeah right you can cancel that out. I am not saying that women do not do it too, but with me it is different. I give him a chance because I feel he deserves it. Saying happy birthday to someone is not that difficult. I would in no way stop doing this. I mean if a guy is a bad kisser would I stop kissing all together and not do it if my fiance asked me to. No Of course not that would be silly. How do I know that he use to do these things before me, because he told me. For example, He would not allow me to move in with him but he has live with the women he has dated before. Some things do not bother me but somethings do. Am I wrong? No of course not. I know I have entered into this relationship with my eyes wide open and my heart exposed and waiting to be broken. Why is this bothering me all of the sudden if I say that things are going well? Well he told me that he is making changes in his life, well I just want him to make some changes that I know will effect me in the right way. I hope that he will keep his word and return home, well to me by new years eve. He has mentioned that he wants to come home but does he really mean it. I hate having doubts when it comes to him. It seems as though I have more doubts now that things are going well then when we were having problems. I still have faith in him that he will do what is right when it comes to us. At lease I hope so. I hope that he feels the same. He will start to see the new me in a couple of days, I have a lot in store for me. He will probably not like it but oh well, like he has always told me I need to do me. That is how everyone should be. Do what makes you complete, Do what makes you feel that you are achieving what ever goals you have set out for yourself. Hopefully he will be behind me in the changes that I have made. I hope that I am also accepting to the changes that he has made also. On top of everything Love is still love and of all the things that I am changing in my life Love for him is not one of them. I only hope he can say the same for me.

My ROCK....My LOVE

Fri, 19 Dec 2008 01:30:41 GMT

I am finding out what it means to be someones "ROCK". Is this person the one you can relay on in your time of need? Is this person the one who allows you to cry non stop and just hold you? How about when you lose someone whom you really love and think that you can not go on with life itself? Well I have this person in my life...I have this one whom others have wanted when they are in need and need that support, that guidence that strength...their ROCK. My fiance took off tomorrow to be with me at my brothers funeral on Saturday. I did not expect him to but he has gone beyond what I expected of him. I knew that he would help me through this.... but If he was not in my corner ...not on my side.... I would have not made it until now. My fiance is the Strong slient type...he is a big guy but has a heart of Gold. He is a softy when it comes to me ... although He will never admit to a lot of things in our relationships...one of them that he did admit to me is that he does not like to see me cry. He does not like to see me hurt. (Unless he does it) Just to know that he will be there for me on saturday has lifted my spirits a little. Maybe there is the sun peaking out from behind my darkness..maybe there is the rainbow after my storm. This is just one more way that he shows me that he loves me without saying it. I love him with all my heart and there is nothing that I would not do for him in return but I think that he knows that.

making memories

Mon, 08 Dec 2008 04:19:55 GMT

Yesterday was the first time that my fiance and I hung out. Well it was sorta like hanging out. He helped me moved to New york yesterday, and once we completed the move he hung out with my family and played cards after we ate. It was really fun. I had never seen this side of my fiance... so even though he and I were not really interacting, I think this is the most fun that I have had with him. I wanted to spend just time with him alone but I would have settled for anything yesterday. I wanted to make the few moments last, and although it may not seem like much it was enought to last me a lifetime..well half of my lifetime...I am waitng on that other special moment to happen ...and I know it will.

happiness

Sat, 22 Nov 2008 18:00:37 GMT

I knew that if I put my faith in God and the decisions that I have made when it comes to my fiance and I, that things would work out. I have being going through a very difficult time in my life and he has been very supportive of me. Things are going great between us. All of those hurdles that I thought that I could get over I am. I am just doing it very slowly so that I would not fall short of that Goal. In some ways it may look as if I am working backwards. I have secured a job in New York which means that he and I will be much closer to each other....things could only get better. I am glad that things worked just before I found out about my Brothers illness. During this time in my life ... I do not know what I would do with out him right now. My brothers' illness has taken a great toll on my health and everything I do. The support of my family has been great and the support of my spouse has been even better. That is only because I get to speak to him on a daily basis and I only speak to my family ever so often. Relationships can be wonderful as long as you continue to work at it.