Since I moved back her I have been looking for a church. although I know nothing could compare to the love I felt in NC I have to find somewhere I can worship and be happy to be with others who want the same as me. The churches here are so big that I am not sure if there could ever be a family for me. Although my church was over 700 people we knew each other in my church and the paster still sits in the front of the church where the alter is still sacared place and there are still prayer calls at the alter. there was a belonging that I felt that I have not felt at my new church. the church I am attending now does not sit on the alter nor does he actually preach. he uses more of a teaching method to get his point across. Let me say that I have nothing against the churches her but they are just not for a southern girl like me. I do like the pastor of the church I attend now but I long for the choirs that were  bless to sing the old spirituals and the keeping with the washing of the saints feet a practice that my church here in the city does not do. so yes I long for that church home that I can actually call Home. Will I ever be happy. I  know I will because as long as I hear the word of god I know that that is all I need to fill that longing for a church home. As I ask god to fill my heart with love and understanding of this new age the teachings of the pastors I know that I will not be lead astray.

I guess a lot has happened since my last post and well... like my title says ...I have just gotten over a rough point in my life. Things are better and yes for those of you wondering about my God Prayer.... he has shown me things and there were answers given to me... that I did not know about but they were there all the time. The fiance and I ...well things are no different and nothing has changed. I told him todayand yesterday  that it was going to be over between us if he did not take me out and do things with me , basically if he did not do what I want him to do than I was going to throw a fit. That is how I would put it in simple terms. His response was ..ok, say you promise. my respone.... I promise. Will I stick with it? No of course not... but maybe that put a little thought in his head that will keep him on his toes, for the next time I say somthing like that. Maybe he will start to wonder Is she really trying to tell me something or is she just joking around. well I guess I can tell you... there was some truth to what I said.... because I said it at a moment when I felt like he really was not being sensitive to my feelings. I think we all... when we feel that loneliness creep in (when your spouse is far away) tend to  to reevaluate how you are feeling at that moment. Nothing else matters. Not how may things you guys have shared ...not how they made you feel in the past, the only thing that matters is that moment...now.  My moment ...I felt that I wanted to break up with him..I wanted him to be out of my life..I dwelled on all the wrong he has ever did and just wanted to be.. ..free of him.  Of course this only lasted until the next time that I spoke to him. Then it was like that day never happened but to me but it  did.  I opened my mouth to tell him about it and nothing came out. He would probably take it the wrong way and we would break up for real. I wonder why does this happen?   I experience it more when he lets days go by on end and we have not spoken to one another. These are the endless days as i call it. You know where he sits around the house either watching tv(sports sunday) or just lounging and he refuses to call just to say...hi or anything...It burns me up. Yeah that is when I experience it the most. I know I should probably say something and eventually I will It is just right now I do not want to put more of a strain on our relationship than there already is. Love makes your heart weak and everything that I thought I had the strenght to do when it comes to him I am just figuring out that I don't...

It has been about two weeks since I last seen my BF. Everytime I see him it seems as if the distance has caused my heart to grow a little colder toward him. Well not colder..wrong choice of words... but I can feel the distance. I will just say that. I think the longer we are apart the more I prepare my heart for a breakup. I know that I have no plans on doing that and neither does he but you never know what road life will take. I hate to say that we are growing apart but it does feel that way. I have tried to tell him this on many occasions but It just never seems to come out right. His feelings have they changed? I do not know. I thought that it was just in my mind but it is not. I have to do a lot of soul searching to figure this one out. I know that I wrote in my xanga blog that some things are just to personal to write about and I think that this is one of those times. I have tried to explain but I guess no one would really understand without me giving full details, which I will never do. I love blogging but not to that extent. ..Like I said on xanga there are just some things that you have to keep to your self. There are just some things that are just  .....my business.